velma

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The trip got derailed for a sec because our flight was cancelled, so instead of leaving on a plane on Friday we got into the car and drove to AZ. On the plus side, the new car doesn't kill my back like the other one did! I was in pain, of course, but not nearly the kind I was in all the other times we go on long road trips.

The house is laid out a lot differently than I was expecting. And damn, it was 108 degrees the whole time we were there. Annie, their dog, barked at me as expected. But I was equipped with my trusty ear plugs and it didn't bug me aside from the fact I have no idea why she bays at me like that. After about a day or so of being there, she quit barking and in fact enjoyed my company a lot. She is such a needy dog, always demanding attention! Haha. She's so cute. We played fetch A LOT. She kept randomly giving me her bone, too.

My sister has two cats. One was hers before the kids were old enough to really have pets of their own, and a huge younger cat who is pretty much the kids'. The huge cat is an absolute sweetheart. He loves to give people little kisses and always wants to be petted and played with. The other cat is a completely different story. That cat is afraid of and lashes out at everyone. That cat hates the other cat, hates the dog, hated us, and just hissed and growled and attacked everyone the whole time we were there! It's weird considering how sweet and loving the other pets are.

Oh yeah, and my niece has a pet hamster named Speedy. SO ADORABLE!! I...I want a hamster now. SOMEDAY! Oh wow so adorable. Though one night, I heard this bizarre racket and I thought a pipe was bursting or something, and I couldn't figure out what it was. It turned out to be Speedy running in her wheel, and it is LOUD! Haha. The sweet cat(named Mr. Whiskers) enjoyed sitting on the computer desk and staring at Speedy in her tank the entire time we were there. Tsk tsk. Must suck having someone staring at you like you're dinner 24 hours a day, heh.

Another point about their house is it's literally across the street from train tracks. So at about 4am every day, a train goes by at least once, and it ROCKS THE ENTIRE HOUSE. I mean seriously. I had a dream about an earthquake because of how much the house shakes and rattles. The floor vibrates along with everything else on shelves and walls and everything. It made me realize that pretty much everywhere I've lived lately has been pretty near train tracks. Where I'm living right now, the train whistle is audible. The tracks are a few blocks down the street. The thing about being near trains is that it actually comforts me. It doesn't really keep me from being able to sleep.

It was really nice to see Austin and Madison for a bit as well as my sister and Rick. They have really sweet pets(mostly) so it was a nice trip. Gotta say I will never take my bed for granted ever again, because I missed it so much!! Austin's bed was just not the same.

Oh yeah, and I tried some food from a place called Iron Chef and OH MAN it was so delicious. I'm hoping to find some good chinese somewhere around here...the bar is raised pretty high now though. :P

Today was awesome.

I've been wanting to go to Old Navy for a while now, despite those terrifying commercials they've been having lately -- What happened to the Old Navy lady and her dog and those retro awesome dance fest party commercials with the awesome music?!

Er, I derailed myself there.

Anyway, so on the way to Borders to use a coupon I printed the other day, we decided to stop by Old Navy. Oh wow I'd missed that place! I love the layout of the store. It's so warehouse-y and cool in there. Which is nice, since it's hot as hades outside lately. Anyway, I found some pants and a bunch of tops and a pair of slip-ons for cheap, awesome awesome. But the kicker is...I found a jacket exactly like what I've had in mind and been on the hunt for ever since winter time, and get this: It was $8! And it had POCKETS(something sorely lacking in a lot of jackets I've come across in my hunt)

The best thing is it's a light jacket so I can wear it in the desert so that's a plus. Cheap, wearable, awesome pattern + pockets = awesome.

We made a donation for the troops at check out and headed over to Borders next.

Oh man. God bless coupons. I printed out a coupon the other day for a free 12oz drink at any Seattle's Best coffee location inside of Borders. I tried using a Barnes and Noble coupon similar to this but it failed because they said the Starbucks, even though connected to the Barnes and Noble here(it had a big gaping hole in the wall you walk through), wasn't technically PART of Barnes and Noble, so they wouldn't accept my coupon. I guess it had to be like the B&N in Surprise that had it along the wall of the B&N. Lame!

Even then, the coupon was for a free cookie, so this Borders coupon interested me a lot more.

Anyway, I swagger up to the counter and I tell them about the coupon and where I found it and whether or not it was still valid. IT WAS! It expires tomorrow. I got a free iced mocha, and they also offered me a big piece of chocolate to go with it. I was expecting it to be one of those flaky cookie straw things but it was an actual piece of dark chocolate. Wow. Awesome. The coffee was really tasty, too. Not only that, but we found a few books on the sale racks outside and inside the entry way all for under $6 (I got 3 books, two of which were $1)... totally awesome. Oh, and when I registered for the rewards card at check out, the girl behind the counter asked me for my email, and when I told her, she recognized the Maya the Bee reference. That goes onto a very short list of people who've commented on that! Heh.

They were also playing the new Regina Spektor over the music system so that's another plus.

After all of this, we went by the post office and dropped off another letter to my brother. Yay! I think I may write him another letter tonight, too. I'm so happy. In the letter he sent me while I was in AZ, he gave me some info that may help me locate my father AND my twin siblings... oh man. :)


All in all, it's been a really nice day. Doubly nice, because I'm skirting the edge of not fitting into any of the pants I had left after my first weight gain, so yay!! I may be a size 2 before long. Now I have a pair of pants to wear if I do get too big for my old ones! :P

So are we getting the short end of the stick? You be the judge! :P

I think free airplane time = awesome. My sister is paying for our plane tickets to Arizona and food while we're there. I opted to go with ma 'cause I didn't like the idea of her being there alone! Awwwwwwww. I'd miss her too much anyway.

So yeah I'll be gone from June 19 to 27. I may be seeing Yai while we're there, assuming he can A) bike an hour, or B) find transportation. And ma may get a chance to visit her friends so I think it should be a positive experience... plus, assuming their tivo gets set like I hope or I make up time lost while I'm there, I'll get to watch TV again! (we canceled ours yesterday) :D

I'm being thankful for the small things. Mmhmm.
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On Monday, I sent a reply to my brother's letter. Man, I've never looked forward to anything as much as I'm looking forward to another reply from him. I really hope I get one before we leave next week, but if not, I know what I'll be thinking about the whole time I'm gone. :P

David Duchovny is such a weird guy. He was on Conan the other day talking about the 3rd season of his show, Californication, and told some weird story about his kid. See, the weird story about his kid sticks out mainly because there's now a running joke between ma and I about the really bizarre, disturbing stories about children guests on Conan keep telling. Really, it's scary! The scariest thing is, according to various forums, I seem to be the only one bothered by them.

Anyway, back to David. I really love him as an actor. As most of you know -- well, maybe not, but I'll pretend you guys know me well -- I love the X-Files. I started watching it at the beginning, and I even kept up with it when we were living in an RV for a year, and I consider it one of the most well-crafted shows ever to be on television. So, even though he's weird, I don't really mind, because I like what he does.

I had never seen Californication, but I'd heard about it. It's skeezy and dirty is what I'd heard. After watching Conan, I decided I wanted to see it. At least an episode. Well, I recently renewed my Netflix account(knowing we'd cancel our cable TV), and I noticed that on the streaming section they have season 1 of Californication! I decided to give it a shot, and... I could see why so many people(specifically women) hate the show, but guess what guys? I LOVED it. I like the fact I can both hate Hank(Duchovny's character) and love him at the same time. Let's just say I relate very heavily to his ex. His theme song is also awesome(sounds similar to "Young Folks" by Peter Bjorn and John, which I LOVE)

He has a daughter, Becca, in the show. A very cute, very interesting kid who plays in a band. She's one of the least annoying child characters I've ever seen in a show. Every time she swears, he charges her for it, and vice versa. It's funny to me because they're pretty much just playing musical chairs with the same set of bills going back and forth between each other.

Becca feels neglected by her father, and in one scene - after he's ditched her to go bail out the floozy step daughter of his ex - Becca's in bed, Hank comes in and sits down next to her, and she says this to him(in a tired, resigned voice):

"You never mean to let me down, but you do. You know, it's all well and good to talk about happy endings, but if a person can't deliver, if you keep screwing up, well, eventually I guess you kinda just have to say 'fuck you'... or words to that effect."

He refused her swear payment for this one, saying she was right, and he deserved it.

Death Cab For Cutie's "Passenger Seat" plays in the background on this scene, too. Definitely a favorite scene for me. (It's art imitating my life when it comes to certain storylines going on in it)

Ma gave me my first driving lesson on Sunday. That went pretty good. Keep in mind the list below is a huge deal to me because I have a few retarded qualities.


Things learned

- I have to turn the wheel exorcist-style to get the vehicle to actually TURN, which I figured out before I ran into the building in front of me
- ** I am capable of turning the wheel without my arms killing me **
- I am capable of not freaking out when behind the wheel! Though music may be a bad idea while I'm driving (too distracting)
- ** I am capable of adjusting the parking brake **
- I am capable of DRIVING

My plan now is to get the handbook, take the test, get my permit... and eventually get my license! It could happen. I actually think it could happen! I fear the driving test though...

I took the sample knowledge test online and got 8 of 10 questions right. I'd actually have gotten 9 out of 10 right if I'd gone with my first thought on one of the two I missed. The one I didn't know at all was one about the center turn lane(it told me what it's for after I answered though, so now I know!). I feel pretty optimistic.


Mmhmm, I'm very excited about this! :D

Yesterday I set up a new bank account. The guy was amused by my banter. Going to spend the next few weeks switching stuff over to it before closing out the account in Petaluma I've had for the last...million years.

Then last night I made a meal myself! I call it polenta enchilada style. It was a huge success! Mmm.

Today my cat woke me up at 8am for no particular reason. I shut my door and went back to sleep and when I woke up and ma got the mail she brought in a letter. I looked at the return address and froze -- My brother's name was there!!

Long story short, I GOT A REPLY FROM MY BROTHER!! The speed of the reply answered my initial question before I'd even opened the envelope: He is so happy I found him. He called me a dove :) I am already thinking of my response. I am so excited. I... I am so touched and happy. Apparently I contacted him at a time when he needs me the most...and he did know about me, though no details, and he'd always wished we could have grown up together, though he knew it was best that I had been adopted. He's looking forward to writing to me all the time.

:) I have a brother!!

Best. Birthday. Ever.

I'm 25!



So, today(well, the 28th, but I haven't slept yet so to me it's still the same day) was awesome. You know how often occasions are depicted where the person gets this huge bouquet of balloons? Often the person giving them runs up to the person with this giant handful of ribbons and strings and tons of different colored balloons bobbing all over and stuff. Yeah I've always wanted that to happen to me! I love mylar balloons, so I always wanted some like that.

Well today I was surprised with some by my ma. A star, two hearts(each differently shaped) and a circle with butterflies on it. I'm still overjoyed over this!! Wishes really DO come true! :p



Lori made me a birthday dinner at her house and surprised me with tiramisu. Mmmm, it was yummy. After I took a bite she ran to the kitchen: "Oh you need candles!" and tried finding some but all she could find were two giant numbers: 3 and 5. I got the 5, haha. I guess it's pretty appropriate!

It was nice having one candle because I could actually blow it out myself. ;)

Cool stuff Rich showed me: ( Read more... )

(Source)

As we face the pending landing of our successful STS-125 Space Shuttle Atlantis Hubble repair mission, I’m struck by the “Go-No Go” mentality of NASA’s can-do Mission Control teams at the Johnson Space Center in Houston.

Think about it. “Go-No Go” translates into, “We’re going forward until we tell you to stop.” Success-oriented thinking. A “Go-No Go-er” manages risk by assessing potential outcomes and making reasoned decisions based on the probability for success. If new information comes, reassess and alter direction.

Now, let’s consider the reverse: “No Go-Go,” which means “Do nothing until you’re told to do something.” A “No Go-Go-er” is risk-averse, because risk may lead to that dreaded thing: failure.

Let’s face it: You can NEVER be wrong if you NEVER make a decision.

Think about the people around you: workmates, family, friends. How many do you know who operate in a holding pattern until they get a green light? Far too many, I expect. I call it the “Black Hole of In-Between” – the never-never-land spent waiting for something to happen or someone to give direction.

Often, I’ve observed, that we may be waiting for someone to make a decision and, all the while, he/she may be caught in the Black Hole of not knowing what decision to make. My suggestion: throw them a rope! Get busy and develop solutions to present to your leadership. Be the “Go-No Go-er” who gets things moving. Make a decision. It’s worth the risk. Really!

Black hole, indeed. I often analyze myself to see whether or not I'm hovering around something. I strive to be a "Go-No Go-er." I like to think I'm improving...

Happy birthday to Cody and (belatedly) Jessica!



My birthday is May 28th, but ma got me this as an early present today when we were out getting ink and labels for the printer. Ahhhhh, I can take his face with me wherever I go, hee. :) It's strange to know I'll officially be 25 in just 4 days.


I will be accompanying ma to AZ for a week at the end of June while my sisters go to Disneyworld. My niece and nephew have a Wii, too, and I think my sis has all the movie channels, so yeah, think I'll spend a lot of time vegging out in front of a TV. Of course, I'll be drawing on paper as well. Yay for airplane travel once more this year!


In really huge news: This week I'll be sending off a letter to one of my older brothers. We have never met nor spoken with each other before... I'm so excited and nervous!

http://www.terrymooreart.com/blog/?p=517

Strangers in Paradise Omnibus, guys! Hardcovers! Full-color cover gallery! All the one-shots and it's in chronological order, story-wise! Uncensored! Extra art!

Only downside is it costs $159.95. And is limited to 1250 copies...which actually is cool but means it's gonna be expensive when it sells out. Maybe one day when I'm 80 and rich I will find someone to buy it off of, but for now I stare longingly at this and wish I could bribe someone to get this for me and then let me pay them back later. MUCH later, haha.

So glorious.

I'm still looking forward to that "where are they now" story he's working on, too...hmmm...

Terry Moore is awesome.

Wii Fit continues:

According to my body test today... I GAINED WEIGHT! Nearly half a pound. For me this is a HUGE accomplishment! I actually feel like my goal to gain 10 pounds is achievable right now! Never before would I think this was possible, but I feel like it is now!! Really, there aren't enough exclamation points to drive this point home... but I'm very excited. Seriously!!

!!!!!!!

So happy right now. So happy. I did the tight rope walking thing and passed on my first try, even with having to jump over the chattering teeth bear trap thing! This is a big deal because on the ski jump thing I pretty much committed suicide 4 times because I'm too weak to be able to jump. Heh.

I'm feeling really amazing right now. I'm turning 25 in two weeks and... I'm finally maintaining my weight, and not only that, GAINING!! There is hope for me yet! I hope I become less of a weakling as time goes by. Man I feel motivated.

SO AWESOME!

Yeah I also did a lot of exercising during Colbert tonight. Talk about motivation... :p

I have a fear of this website dying or the article being removed someday, so I'll post it here to save for later. I think this is an amazing example of glasses fetish material.

(Source)

Cinema has always been the medium of spectacle. And spectacles. Glasses, face furniture, bi-focals - the movies love them. They are divine prop, handy disguise and all-purpose symbol, the one item certain to transform heart-throbs into highbrows (Cary Grant in Bringing Up Baby, Ryan O'Neal in What's Up Doc), sexpots into schoolmarms (Jennifer Jones in Good Morning Miss Dove, Susan Sarandon in The Witches of Eastwick) and Superman into a mere mortal.

Let's start with the transparently obvious: 'Men seldom make passes at girls who wear glasses.' Marilyn Monroe quotes Dorothy Parker's dictum in How to Marry a Millionaire (1953) - when she's not bumping into walls. Monroe would rather be blind as a bat and suffer breakages than be a crude cultural stereotype: the repressed female barricaded behind her frames, staring out at a lustful world. Horny and horn-rims just don't mix.

If she isn't a buttoned-up secretary, burning with banked fires, aka the new Miss Moneypenny of The Living Daylights (1987) and Licence to Kill (1989), she teaches, the classroom being a supposedly safe, pre-sexual place: witness Bernadette Peters in Pennies from Heaven (1981), her glassy owl-chick gaze simultaneously repelling and provoking male attention. Or she's the ulimate spinster aunt, like Bette Davis in Now, Voyager (1942), spectacles as blatant as a billboard emblazoned with the warning 'Hands off'.

There's a simple cure for such neurotic ills: remove the glasses. 'You don't need those,' psychiatrist Claude Rains tells Davis, who replies that she doesn't 'feel dressed without them'. Hey presto; frump is instantly transformed into a sleek fashion-plate, a change quite as extreme as Bernadette Peters' evolution from educator to whore.

This might seem laughable, except for the stereotype's amazing durability. It's one thing to laugh at National Lampoon's Loaded Weapon 1 (1993), with its spoof-like gag about a plain girl taking off her glasses to become an entirely new woman (a busty, lynx-eyed blonde), and quite another to see Ellen Barkin, professional woman afraid of her own passions, run through the same routine seriously in The Big Easy (1986). Only Hitchcock's Strangers on a Train (1951) manages a woman character combining spectacles and overt sexuality - and she dies for her sins, her strangulation reflected in the lenses that have fallen from her come-hither face.

Indeed, movies rarely endorse women's specs appeal. A rare exception is Born Yesterday (1950). The dumb blonde Judy Holliday, striving for culture, dons the usually offending articles to read heavy weight tomes. Garson Kanin's liberal script murmurs approval: her glasses pair up perfectly with those of the hero, William Holden.

Not that it's much better for the male of the species. In Some Like it Hot (1959) glasses are the outward sign of Tony Curtis's (feigned) impotence. Dialogue explicitly links the two. 'Your spectacles are steaming up,' Monroe notes, midway through her assault on Curtis's supposedly slumbering senses. Born Yesterday, Bringing Up Baby and What's Up, Doc? also equate their male stars' weak eyesight with weak libido; the hidden price of overt intellectualism, cries the sub-text (Holliday, like Monroe, has to seduce Holden). If you want it blunter yet, consider The Girl Can't Help It (1956): Jayne Mansfield's jiggle and wriggle actually splinter some poor sucker's specs into a thousand pieces.

This will come as news to Woody Allen, whose glasses shine with an erotic gleam powerful enough to balance any bookishness; maybe he saw the classic porn flick, Mr Peepers, a story of magic glasses and naked ladies, at a formative age. Allen wears his glasses not as a symbol but, like Harold Lloyd, as a necessity, flaunting them as unashamedly off screen as he does on, a trick James Dean declined to master. Ditto Robert Redford and Warren Beatty. Set upon by wily paparazzi, they blink madly: hey, it's okay for Woody their sheepish eyes implore, he's supposed to be a comic, not a pin-up.

Perhaps, like the bullied Piggy in Lord of the Flies (1990), men are frightened of having their glasses taken and broken; a slur on their masculinity. Or possibly they require 'milk bottle' lenses, which would never do, as such disfigurement is a sure celluloid sign of sadistic villainy (the Gestapo chief in Raiders of the Lost Ark, 1981) or exotic, alien 'otherness' (Peter Lorre in the Mr Moto B-movies).

They don't know what they're missing. If directors myopically use spectacles as character shorthand and writers use them as clues - the murderers of Swoon (1992) are trapped by glasses dropped at the scene of the crime - astute actors employ them to upstage. You can suck one arm thoughtfully (contemplation). You can take them off in a single swift, movement (decision), and rub the bridge of your nose (despair). You can tip them to the end of your nose and peer over the rims (adorable). You can even remove them and rub your tired eyes the way a baby does (love me).

Of course, there is a brand of glasswear all stars suscribe to. If the ordinary brands reveal, sunglasses are about mystery, concealment, camouflage, confusion. Annabella Sciorra's first appearance in Mr Wonderful (1993) is behind sunglasses - and she's indoors. Facing ex-husband Matt Dillon, she's given herself a bargaining advantage: the windows to her soul have the blinds drawn and the shutters up. She's unreadable. Cheating on eye contact, sunglasses are fundamentally aggressive. Cops wear them a lot, from the sinister motorcycle type who stops Janet Leigh in Psycho (1960) to Magnum Force (1973), where a row of renegade reflecting shades greet Clint Eastwood in the underground car park. They confer spurious authority.

And spurious appeal. Sunglasses are so hot they're cool. The poster for Undercover Blues (reviewed opposite) asserts its with-it ways by picturing its principals looking dark around the eyes - groovy Ray-Bans adorn Mom, Dad and Baby. The image is cocky, which is why six Tom Cruise hits have our hero lazing in the shades, though Cruise seems a rank amateur beside Manhattan Murder Mystery's Anjelica Huston, who not only wears sunglasses indoors, but wears them indoors while it's raining. No wonder Susan Sarandon uses them to signal her transfiguration from schoolmarm to temptress in The Witches of Eastwick (1987) - they go so well with a dry martini and a low-cut bikini.

And with a prison break. On the run, Kevin Costner stops to replace his old sunglasses with new sunglasses in A Perfect World (1993). 'How do these look?' he asks, sure of the answer. 'Good,' comes the preordained reply.

In fact, it's possible to organise an entire film around the trope: The Blues Brothers (1980) genuflects to sunglasses' glamour. Neither Dan Aykroyd nor John Belushi need actually bother with a performance, for the usual situation has been reversed. The actors are now props for the shades, mere vehicles for their dark power. The boys need their retina protection as surely as The Man with X-Ray Eyes (1963). Or, like him, they might find themselves staring at life as it really is.

I got my Obama check, my Zappos refund, found a best buy gift card I forgot I had, and forgotten Amazon gift certificate money, so guess what?

Wii time. Yes. It's taken me years, but I ACHIEVED MY GOAL, PEOPLE. I ALWAYS ACHIEVE MY GOALS, MAKE NO MISTAKE ABOUT THAT. It's May, I'm turning 25, I got a ton of random money coming at me from nowhere...it's about time I actually do something for myself.

And it was so worth it. Guess what? Even in only a bit less than a week, I've already noticed a difference in how I feel. So good freaking deal, guys. Ma's been playing too.

Which, speaking of ma, she seemed to like her mother's day present so I feel great. :D It was a personal sappy thing so I haven't shared it with anyone else but momma. She will be the only one to get this but: I WILL ACHIEVE THAT GOAL TOO! And then some.



So, life is good. That car mom traded for is so much easier on my body. It's so easy to get in and out of. I love it. Can't wait to learn to drive in it. :P Been working out with my Wii every day. Gaining and maintaining weight... yup, things are going very well. I'm less freaked about money crap, which is a much needed change of pace. I hate worrying. And obsessing about worrying. And worrying about obsessing. YEAH I AM HILARIOUS. I'm like Tara on the Biggest Loser. I doubt any of you watch that show but if you do, you'll probably agree with me on that point.


Johnny West sent me a ton of CDs, and due to the fact I felt sick I didn't listen to any until today! While drawing, I listened to If I Had A Quarter For Every Time Someone Stuck A Gun In My Face, I'd At Least Have Enough Change To Buy A Few Chocolate Bars. Ohh it was great stuff. It's flavored with the taste of broken promises, as he said it would be, and it tastes pretty good to me. The envelope those CDS came in, btw, smells incredible. Not sure if it's from the paper or if he sprinkled some magic perfume into it before mailing, but either way, that was nice.


Also, I've been drawing a lot more lately.

Today was a good day. Perfect weather, we headed out to Artfest in our new car. Mom traded in our old one, and we had money left OVER from the trade in price! Such a comfy ride. I think I could learn to drive in this thing. I feel like I can SEE. My field of vision isn't as limited...and I hadn't even realized how limited my vision in the other car was until I sat in this new one. :o

We got over to Artfest, and it was a lot of fun checking out all the tables and such. There's a chalk art competition going on and judging is tomorrow...I'm looking forward to seeing the results! Some people were just starting their outlines when we were leaving so it should be interesting to see what pops up. There was a train driving up and down and around the street with kids riding on it. So cool. Some not-so-kiddy people were riding it at one point too...if it wasn't so hot(the train was all black) I would have ridden on it, but yeah...I don't want to burn my skin off sitting in it thanks, ha. :P

I have no sunglasses or anything so I kept saying I would find a hat somewhere and buy it. NO HATS WERE ANYWHERE. Eventually we walked by someone selling two hats. A black cowboy hat and a brown cowboy hat. I said no, I knew there would be a perfect hat coming up...AND THERE WAS! Just a couple tables further I found a big booth full of hats. UV blocking hats. A PURPLE one, to be exact, called out to me...and I got it. I put it on and it was a huge relief. Not only could I see again but I wasn't roasting quite so much. So yeah, I have an awesome hat now. Ma didn't want to buy one at the time but now she's thinking about it...I told her that if there's anything at the Artfest that she wants, I will buy it for her! Mother's day time, y'know!! She tried some caramel and she may decide she wants some of that...it came in these big jars, it looked pretty good. I think I'll try some tomorrow, myself. There was a coffee caramel flavor as well as, I believe, a chardonnay one. Wonder how those would taste. :P

After that we went to Trader Joe's and bought my favorite little pizza(with goat cheese!!) and I tasted some white wine(why haven't I done that before?) and now I'm at home eating pizza and drinking coffee while typing this happy journal entry.

I'm so excited for mother's day. I hope ma likes what I'm giving her. Lori invited ma over for food and maybe swimming tomorrow, and we're all going over to Artfest too. Should be fun.

Mmhmm.



I saw these fountains and HAD to take a picture. I think they are beautiful. If I had more cash I'd buy one for our balcony...it's just so lovely.

Ahh geez guys.

My search is going well, things with life for ma and myself in general are going well, I've had some money come my way(Obama check for SSI recipients, unused gift cards I forgot about, $107 refund I may be getting soon assuming stuff goes well)...

Life is pretty good.

...But I am feeling like Ranty McRagerson so often lately, so I just don't post much on my journal. I just feel like raging hardcore about the stuff that is pissing me off. This is pure anger. It's hard feeling so angry about stuff so often these days. Things with my sister are still raging me off the charts, and I feel this year the wool has come off my eyes when it comes to a lot of relationships I have in the family and some outside of the family. I've always been the kind of person who turns the other cheek and just rolls over and plays dead, or goes along with whatever someone wants, etc. I always figure "well you know they probably have their reasons, I should just accept it and not be upset" and all that. I'm the classic pushover doormat. It's just been my default mode, and I have often been used because of this.

This year, I feel I am wiser and more understanding of the fact that I can be a kind and giving person -without- letting myself get walked on. Being walked on and helping others are not the same thing. I am happy that I know this, deep down, now.

With this growth and understanding... came rage. Pure rage. Anger. Why? Because now that I've outgrown the doormat mentality, I now am able to feel anger. When something outrageous happens, I don't internalize it and feel sadness. I now feel angry, upset, insulted.

In the past, I would tell people that I never got angry, I didn't rage. I didn't hate anyone. This was true. And I now know with certainty that was 100% true back then. Why am I so certain it was true back then?

Because it's not anymore.

I now know what rage feels like. I now know what it is like to feel angry. I now know what it is like to hate somebody.

I feel like I've been kind of ... ruined, but in a way, also improved. I think knowing anger fleshes me out as a person, because now I have the ability to realize and feel when something is wrong and act accordingly, rather than just blindly accept something and feel hurt when it's something negative towards myself.

I just am still trying to learn how to deal with that rage. Because it is so new to me.

Still, as I'm trying to understand this new feeling within myself, dealing with injustice makes me rage, and I'm trying to find a way to vent it that won't bring on more rage.

I know that I can channel my anger into some kind of creative expression. I feel this. I've done this with sadness, hurt, and fear. I've done that with happiness, passion, and curiosity. Every intense feeling I've ever had, I've channeled into some kind of painting or drawing or something. Creating is my outlet. I just am not sure how to channel anger. It is new to me. It's a foreign concept I am now familiarizing myself with.

I'm actually a little excited about where this may lead me. I'm not sure what will come out of all this, but I look forward to it.

I feel a bit retarded, because ... I've gone all these years without ever feeling genuinely angry or enraged. I haven't been numbed. I've just never given myself permission to feel those emotions, because I felt I had no right to, because my natural position, in my mind, was the guilty party and the appeaser. If I am the person to placate everyone else, then of course it would never cross my mind or heart to feel anger or rage.

But here I am, with rage to spare. Let's see what it looks like on canvas. :P

I got paid for that logo I did for lone_concertina(thanks again for the extra!! I hope the fullsize image email got to you, let me know if it didn't), and then I got a letter in the mail letting me know Obama's sending me $250 in May. So... this made my flame of desire for the Wii start burning again, because I realized suddenly I could afford it if the planets align correctly. Thus, I gave myself permission to window shop online for games and stuff just to see what I'd get if I did indeed splurge.

I'm not set on buying one, because I need to set up a budget now that we've bought furniture and everything and buckle down re: bills and food each month and figure out if I can afford to get one. But, I'm hoping maybe, just maybe, I can afford it. We'll see.

If nothing else, it's cool to have some money coming my way. It'll help out either way. :)

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Oh geez. I spent so much time distracting myself on Gaia over Easter that I'm back into it again. I did indeed collect the 1 billion eggs to get all the prizes, and I think that's what started the enjoyment again(go figure, since that was really tedious to do).

I'm giving vending another shot. While I now understand better how to do it, I still suck at it. I'm so slow even when I do spot a deal on the main page.

And my quest for DJs is still going on. I'm serious. This is probably the longest running quest thread on Gaia. I guess it doesn't help I haven't started an art shop or learned how to vend properly.

BUT I will eventually finish my quest! Or else buy a pair of ports instead, since those seem to be cheaper, so it'd probably be "easier" to achieve that goal. :P

I feel pretty awesome because I've gotten really into and motivated about all this green stuff over the last while, and I had crap off for way more than an hour today, but I gotta say that was just so incredible. So awesome. It was amazing to see so many people out and excited about it too.

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We were stuck by a train for a few minutes on the way home today. The train just stopped in the middle of the railroad crossing. It was hilarious. People were shaking their hands out the window in frustration. Tsk tsk, always in such a rush. Someone actually drove over the median to drive back the other way, heh. :P

Lori made mom a belated birthday dinner tonight, and it was soooo good. Dinner at Lo's IS ALWAYS THE BEST.

YUP IT IS MA'S BIRTHDAY TODAY! HAPPY BIRTHDAY MA!!

Weird timing, but... I drew the pic for firstfruits! I posted it on dA and it's huge so look out. I hope you like it...I dunno why it decided to be drawn tonight but whatever. I'm sleepy and feel accomplished!

Oh yeah. Have to document this: Saxbys's iced raspberry mocha with **HALF AND HALF** is HEAVENLY. YEAH IT IS. OH MY. At the rate I'm going I'm going to die of a severe heart attack, but you know what? Totally worth it. Mmm, decadent.

Click here for all the pics from my trips over the last month and a half! At least, that link should work anyway. I hope. Otherwise, sucks for you. And me, since I spent a while wrestling with Firefox and Chrome before finally giving up and using IE. ANY TIME SOMETHING ONLY WORKS RIGHT IN IE IS A BAD SIGN, PEOPLE OF FACEBOOK.

Yup yup yup... maybe I'll take pics of stuff I've drawn on paper next. :P

Applied for change of address since we got notified today that our PO box was closed. Which sucks, considering we HAD RENEWED IT UNTIL JUNE, AND I WAS BANKING ON THAT TO TIDE ME OVER UNTIL I TRANSFER SOME OTHER CRAP. Yeah. Not cool. Nearly had a panic attack, but I got everything sorted out. Guess this means I'll have to speed up other crap I was taking my time on.

Next on the roster is the DMV... new ID time!! I both look forward to and dread that. I enjoy it for some reason, but I also don't enjoy the stress of worrying about random people bumping into my wheelchair and crap. See, this is a fear I have depending on where I'm going. I fear it at the DMV because there are always a ton of random kids running around, or people totally zoned out wandering around ramming into everyone or not paying attention, or people pissed off and storming around, or people with their legs jutting out into the walking path along the seating. A place like the DMV I could theoretically just not take my wheels into, but it's always crowded whenever we're there so there's no guarantee I'd have a free seat inside to sit in. So the wheels always come along. If only I had a force field around myself, hmm...

So yeah life is weird. There's been a lot of drama going on around spots on the internet I'm a part of, and it's stressing me out(more like making me RAGE a wee bit). And then some serious drama going on IRL and I hope everything turns out ok there.

But my little spot of life...my house, my mom, my little corner of the world, it's pretty good. And I feel safe again. So thank goodness for that.

HEY firstfruits!! Here's a post!! :)

I posted this on myspace(because I was editing how my profile looked... it now has polkadots on it), and that's weird since I haven't posted here in ages. So here it is, cross-posted.

Years ago I lived in Vegas. Near Summerlin. Well, since then I've lived in AZ and then back to my hometown in CA...

...BUT now I'm back in NV once more! I'm now in Henderson in a great apartment, I've got an awesome desk, an old-style phone(which I've been wanting for ages -- fake-out rotary dial, black, looks like I work in an office in the 30s), and I've got such nice weather... and a balcony. SO nice.

It's so warm here, there's food all around me of every kind, all sorts of awesome places to shop for cheap stuff to furnish the apartment. It's just awesome. Life is good!

All I need now is a computer chair...

As an aside, Savers, Big Lots, Costco, and the Dollar Store are my favorite places ever. Cheapest stuff in the world. The phone I mentioned? Only cost me 5.99, and that's doubly awesome considering I saw one just like it at Target a couple days prior to that for about 39.99.

Yup. Saving money is awesome.

As you can see from my posting absence, I've fallen back into one of those headspaces of not really feeling like posting. This is mainly because I feel weird and disconnected in some ways, and also because I just feel like I don't have much to say.

I dunno, sometimes I just feel so out of step with a lot of stuff and it just seems logical to drop off the map. :P I can count the number of people who keep up with me and who I keep up with on one hand. I just feel like ... I don't really fit in with many people anymore. You ever feel that way? Probably. I figure a lot of people go through that from time to time. And I am right now, haha.

I feel so refreshed. Things are new, time to start on this blank book ahead of me. Who knows where I'm going, but I feel great about it! I can't wait for summer. It's really nice not to be constantly shivering anymore. :)

Yup, me and my mom...we're a good team. WE CAN MAKE IT!

p.s.
Saxbys coffee rocks. And the cute guy wearing glasses behind Anderson Cooper tonight ... was so very cute. SO cute. Yum.

Yeah I know it's incorrect to begin a sentence with "and," but as you've noticed from my postings over the years, I enjoy how it sounds in speech, so it makes its way into my journal posts, ah yes...